It takes all types, as does Thailand, and that is the problem which this week’s Amazing Thailand blog post is all about. As part of our mission to ‘give something back’ we have produced this easy to follow guide to help the boys in brown keep Thailand’s borders secure and the country safe from those pesky long stay foreigners.
Foreigners in Thailand1. Retirees (unmarried)
Appearance:
Easy to recognise on account of their attempt to appear twenty years younger than they actually are. Often wearing shirts unbuttoned halfway, a bit fat, scruffy, and with shaven head or dyed hair.
Where to find them:
Any bar in Pattaya
Danger to Thailand:
- Affront to the moral virtue of Thailand by leading Isan girls astray.
- They need medical care about the same time as their money has run out.
- They make the place look seedy.
2. Retirees (married)
Appearance:
They dress in a way which is appropriate to their age and generally look miserable.
Where to find them:
Italian restaurants in Koh Samui (they are the ones who don’t talk to each other).
Danger to Thailand:
- They aren’t Thai. Isn’t that enough?
3. Diving Instructors
Appearance:
Self conscious attempt to look ‘cool’. They wear branded t-shirts, caps, flip-flops and necklaces with a shark’s tooth. Smug look on their face mixed with a hint of despair at their failure to ever get a proper grown up job.
Where to find them:
Every bar in Koh Tao (like shooting ‘fish in a barrel’, just ask the locals)
Danger to Thailand:
- Taking jobs away from Thai people.
- Unwanted competition for the local Thai lads looking to sleep with twenty something female backpackers.
- They make the place look untidy.
4. Came to Thailand to marry that Thai girl they met in a bar last year
Appearance:
Gormless.
Where to find them:
Their own bar in Hua Hin. Look for the ones with no customers.
Danger to Thailand:
- Don’t worry they won’t be here long.
5. Thirty something professionals trying to ‘find’ themselves
Appearance:
Smug look at having escaped the ‘rat race’. Expensive clothes appropriate for a jungle expedition. New rucksack. The latest smart phone in their hand.
Where to find them:
Wellness centre in Koh Phangan.
Danger to Thailand:
- Enough money to keep them hanging around for several years.
- All that hippy stuff gets irritating after a while.
6. Computer Geek
Appearance:
Thin with an unfashionable hairstyle and sci-fi themed T-Shirt.
Where to find them:
In their rented Bangkok apartment behind a computer screen.
Danger to Thailand:
- Secretly making in money online rather than working out in the open where they can be charged ‘tea money’ by the local coppers for the privilege.
- Taking up valuable internet capacity which Thai people need to look at videos of people having accidents or chatting on social media.
7. Came to Thailand to Study
Appearance:
Bit odd.
Where to find them:
Educational establishment, but after the first week they won’t be in classes as they discover the course is sh*te – they will only come to campus to hang out in the dining hall trying to talk to hotties.
Danger to Thailand:
- Bloody students. They should be getting a job, just not in Thailand.
8. Cheap Charlie Backpackers
Appearance:
Dirty clothes and worn rucksack.
Where to Find Them:
In hostels, they hang out in packs like wild dogs.
Danger to Thailand:
- Spending their money with small independently run businesses, not posh restaurants and hotels owned by wealthy Thai people.
- They hang around for months on end.
- Their appearance and odour is offensive to all good Thai people.
9. English Chavs
Appearance:
Shifty looking buggers in tracksuits and baseball caps.
Where to Find Them:
In the corner of any bars which the owner has called a ‘Pub’.
Danger to Thailand:
- Taking away from money making opportunities from good decent Thai criminals.
10. Property Developers
Appearance:
Anyone wearing a shirt tucked into a pair of jeans.
Where to Find Them:
Harrassing holiday makers. Hiding under rocks.
Danger to Thailand:
- It’s called Thailand, not ‘Farangland’ and foreigners have no business owning homes in the country where they live.
- How dare they make money here conning foreigners, that is a ‘reserved occupation’.